I wonder what it would be like
To breathe.
Y’know?
Where my head isn’t lead and my chest isn’t a sponge absorbing
The shock of reality; where I turn off my music and say,
“I don’t want this, this is terrible.”
Yes, I’m well aware that it’s terrible and don’t remind me because
As soon as the music stops, when I hit the pause on the shows I watch
I sit in “silence” but my mind screams “LET ME OUT LET ME GO I AM INNOCENT LET ME GO” like the man on the news under false arrest, or worse,
Falsely killed.
I think about this everyday, not consciously realizing the way
My mind howls and neck throbs, cheeks convulsing so hard I’m sure
My friend can hear the drumbeat but they can’t and ask, “What’s wrong with you?” Instead of “How can I help you?”
The truth is, she/he/they can’t and never will unless they say, “I’m sorry for x” which is a
Sedative for this mind of mine that
Won’t shut up and says, “You suck,
You fail, that’s all, and you will never be
The girl that steals his heart, or is good enough to be this one’s friend,"
And everyone will give awards and say, "She never deserved it" behind the lips that smile, “Congratulations.”
I
Wonder what it’s like to turn off the radio, turn off the laptop and
Sit in peace.
I’ve felt it.
Once.
Falling asleep.
Peace is the hug I wish would never let go
And you see
I know there is rarely
Heaven on earth, except when
A person chooses to love.
Not even then; when love ends
All hell breaks loose
The devils are here, wreaking havoc on earth
Inside hearts of men, on the roads that once led to somewhere but now
All there are are burning bridges, hearts scooped out like cantaloupes
High on memory distortion. Or wrongful acts. Or both.
But once
Once I sat over there in a state of a panic and
Remembered all my wrongs, all the love songs I wrote
That fell on stopped ears and excuses and
In my remembering, the temperature dropped
The room moved, but I stopped
With no one to catch up with the way my heart raced and chased thoughts around and I remember thinking
“I am going to die.
This is it I am going to die it’s too late God I
Can’t take another heartbreak.
I am now forever afraid of closed doors, forcing them open but God,
What sins can I possibly commit in the name of love?
“God I’ve stared at her roses and wished they were mine.
Heck I helped him pick them out for her, I’ve served my time, but when I smiled he Frowned, the world turned upside down
Dumping all the love I had to give.
God, God, I sat there and listened and nodded and smiled and
The list of their dreams took a while but I was there. I paid attention.
I gave advice and hoped and if that isn’t what love is, I don’t know. What is love?”
I brought all this to God
I continued and said, “God, that day, the sky looked like a cheesecake.
And what, what could be more promising than a richly made, thickly laid dessert
In the sky at six in the morning?
God I bared my skin to them
I didn’t want to, but I did it and
Allowed them to do what they pleased because
God, I deserved to feel something. Why didn’t I feel something?
And if that isn’t what love is, allowing them to take what you don’t want them to take
In the name of love, in the name of feeling, God I don’t know what is.”
My mind raced; it continued to chase down my throat into my stomach and eat me from the inside, desperate fingers
Clawing through lining, crying, whining, “GOD IF EVERYONE LEAVES THEN WHAT, WHAT, AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? YOU SAID MY BEST IS ALL YOU NEED BUT I AM ALWAYS ALONE.”
And in my wonderings, an arm reached out
It grabbed me from the side and then I did realize
I was falling, my right hand digging into my left in desperate need of a friend.
And the arm held me—one arm, the strength of two
Squeezing me, reassuring me, waiting with me.
Peace is the arm that refuses to let go
And knows where you would be, what you would be, without it, even if you do not.
In the middle of disquiet rests the eye that watches, lovingly waits for
With
Me.
You.
Peace, joy, love.
Love is the arm that doesn’t let go
Even if I do not know if I want it with me or not.
The arm comes, does not ask what you’ve done, instead
It holds you.
When I fall in love, one day, when I love, I will look for nothing less, and only give the same in return.
God, take my soul. Hang it out to dry.
Let me scream, let me cry, let me wail
Let me know, let me trust
That You will prevail.
That a door that closes is locked for a reason and holds nothing to fear
Except what’s behind.
God, forgive the times I hurt when I thought I was loving and
Take away their hurt and fuse those scars with love.
God
Remind me that if
I am lost
You are not.
You are in, You are midst
Oh, despite, You are still good.
You are the arm that never lets go.
I wonder what it would be like if we all remembered that.
To view a live performance of this piece, visit https://youtu.be/p4IMIiA2it0.
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