Today, I reminisced about old times.
Like the time my friend Raabe and I were at a Kroger in Bloomington, Indiana, and we treated ourselves to Starbucks and roses.
I remember thinking, "One day, I want someone to give me these roses." And I remember how, weeks later, the stretched parts of my heart began to fray when someone I cared about picked those roses for someone else.
The hole, and the pain that comes with fraying, has only gotten wider since.
Today I stood in line at the same Starbucks. I turned to my right, and there, in the same corner, were the same roses I'd admired with Raabe. I walked over to them, stared at them, and my heart began to hurt. And I thought, once again, "God, one day, when someone chooses me, I want them to give me these roses."
I stood in front of the roses longer than I needed to, but I couldn't leave. But I also didn't plan to buy them. "$12...they're pretty, but wouldn't that be pathetic? Wouldn't that mean I've given up?"
Then an employee walked in front of me. And she took down the price sign. And she replaced it with a new one that read, "A dozen roses: $7.49."
I heard, "I've paid part. Now you pay part." And the only thing I could say was, "Okay, God."
Two things:
1) If I want to heal, I have to do the work. There is no fix-all; Jesus does not always magically take everything away. But I'm learning there is no point in hoping for a better life, there is no room for healing, without learning to love ourselves. And while I'm learning to love, there is One who patiently, lovingly, will work with me.
"I've chosen you, over and over again. Now you need to learn how to choose yourself."
2) It's so easy to get lost in the pain, and the heartache, and the disappointment. It's easy to think that God doesn't care, or that life, for you, will differ from everyone else's.
And yeah, it will. But only because, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Trust Him.
Delight in Him.
Acknowledge Him.
He will direct your paths--sometimes with a literal sign.
He knows the desires of YOUR heart.
He always chooses you.
Take the next step, and choose yourself.
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